Simplify your life and create order in your home with just one word. We say "yes" to others because we want to please them. But when eventually we can't continue, we let them down and we feel guilty. Both parties suffer. Recognize that a desire to please often prevents us from saying “no”.
All executives have critical business relationships on which they depend. When the other party tries to force you to make unwanted concessions or meet unreasonable demands, how do you say “no” without losing the deal or destroying that valued relationship?
We all find ourselves at times in situations in which it is difficult to say no. For instance, you’ve planned to go skiing over Thanksgiving and your parents write you saying how much they’d like you to have Thanksgiving dinner with the family. Your boss asks you to work overtime and you have plans for that evening. A professor asks if you can do some extra work for her on a research project she’s working on. You have just bought a new sweater and a friend asks if she can borrow it. Someone asks you out that you don’t want to go out with. If you repeatedly find yourself agreeing to these types of requests and feeling unhappy about it you might want to look at some reasons why you say yes when you prefer to say no.
You might fear the loss of the relationship or be afraid of damaging the relationship in some way. So you end up treating the relationship as fragile and dependent on your constant compliance. You, like so many people, may feel guilty about saying no since you have been taught to go out of your way to avoid hurting people’s feelings. So you end up feeling responsible for the other person’s feelings as if their happiness depends on your agreeing. This takes away their right to be responsible for their own feelings. You might feel you are a bad person if you refuse - selfish and self-centered. You have been taught the virtue of self-sacrifice and self-denial. So you end up being more concerned and more considerate of others than you are of yourself. You may feel flattered at being asked. It makes you feel important and you’re afraid if you say no this time you’ll never be asked again. These are examples of emotional hooks that can interfere with your freedom of action.
What are some ways to make it easier to say no?
Don't try to do everything. You have a right to say no. Remember that others may take you for granted and even lose respect for you if you don't. Be polite, but firm in saying no. Here are few ways to make it easier to say no.
-Questions you should ask yourself
If you aren't sure that you really want to make room for whatever you're being asked to do, ask yourself these questions:
- Are you interested in whatever you are being asked to do?
- Do you realistically have the time to add this activity to your existing schedule without creating unnecessary stress?
- Are you seeking the approval of one or more individuals by saying ‘yes’ and not thinking about what is best for you?
-Know the emotional hooks or beliefs
Much of it is cognitive work. The first thing to do is to identify the emotional hooks or beliefs that are getting in your way. For example, if a friend wants to borrow your favorite records to take to a party, what are the negative consequences you anticipate if you say no? Are you afraid he or she will never speak to you again? If you say no to an employer, do you fear being fired from your job? If you say no to a professor, do you anticipate getting a bad grade in the course?
-Restate the people realistically
Once you have identified your catastrophic expectations, the next step is the restate them more realistically. For example, you might tell yourself if I say no, my friend will be disappointed not to be able to borrow my records, but our friendship is not contingent on this. He or she will likely respect me more for having said no clearly.
-Self-denying behavior
Your employer may not be happy about your not staying overtime, but it is reasonable to refuse when it is inconvenient for you. If you agree to do something you don’t want to do you will probably feel dissatisfied with yourself. You may also feel angry and resentful at the other person. In this case the no may come across non-verbally, in missing deadlines, being unpleasant or silent, thinking of other things when with the other person. Self-denying behavior will probably reinforce the unwanted behavior of others and encourage them to keep making unreasonable demands of you.
-Non-verbal message
After you have restated your beliefs more rationally so that you feel ready to say no and fell good about doing so, the next step is to say it directly to the person, with a sense of assertiveness in your voice and manner. Make sure the non-verbal message is the same as your words. Are you making eye contact? Is your tone non- apologetic?
-Rehears saying no in a “clear & direct way”
It is usually easier to say no to certain people than to others. For you these may be close friends or maybe strangers or family. Anticipate a situation you think will come up and practice what you will say. Rehearse saying no in a clear and direct way. Be aware of your entire manner and tone of voice when you do so.
-Give yourself time
In more difficult situations when you are unsure of what you want to say or how you want to say it, try giving yourself time, by telling the other person - can I think about it? Then sort out what you feel and what your irrational beliefs and expectations are to your saying no.
-Need to persist more than…
If your have said no, but someone persists, like a broken record, not listening to your first no, you may need to persist in saying no. Are you simply the kind of person who gives in? Or do you tend to get angry? You may need to get their attention by touching them and saying - you seem to be invested in getting me to agree, but I’ve said no and I really mean it.
-Healthy selfish behavior
Despite the messages many of us get when growing up about being accommodating and going out of our way for others. It is important to realize that there is healthy selfish behavior. You have a right to say no and feel good about it. As you attend to your own feelings and needs you will have a lot more willingness to say yes at other times.
-Make a schedule
Stick to your plan. If you have a written set of goals and strategies, this gives you a reason to stick to your course.
-Be more logical
Make sure you understand exactly what is being asked of you before you respond. Perhaps the task is more time consuming than you thought. On the other hand, it may not take much effort at all. Excel at just a few things, rather than being just average at many.
-Don’t build false hopes
You only build false hopes with wishy-washy responses. For instance, the phrase "I'll try to be there" in response to a party invitation is giving yourself an excuse to avoid a commitment. It doesn't do anyone any favors.
-Priorities tasking
When a superior asks you to do a new urgent task; remind her/him that you are working on other projects that s/he has already identified as top priorities. Ask for help in deciding where the new task should fall on the list of priorities Ask "What you like to give up in order for me to do this?"
-Point out the standardization
Point out that you might be able to do everything, but not to the usual high standards that are expected.
-Keep your answer short
Keep your answer short. This way, you can say no without feeling the need for a lengthy justification. ("I'm sorry, I'm not available that night.") On the other hand, others say that giving a longer answer with reasons reinforces your credibility. Let the situation decide.
-Suggestions or alternatives
Provide suggestions or alternatives to the person who is asking. ("I can't do that task today, but how about next week," or "How about asking John instead?") When in doubt, it's easier to say no now, then change your mind to a yes later, rather than the other way around.
You have been socialized from early years to be acquiescent and compliant, saying no will undoubtedly be very difficult for you the first few times. To make it easier, begin by saying no in some low risk situations where you’re perfectly assured of your right to say no and with this practice you’ll build up confidence in yourself and an ability to say no in more difficult situations, appearing confident at times when you may be feeling uncertain of yourself inside.
The secret weapon
“I need to check my schedule and get back to you”. This simple sentence will buy you the time to analyze the request and see if it does indeed fit into your physical schedule, as well as suit your emotional and spiritual needs.
When you have to say yes
Sometimes, saying no is simply unavoidable. Here are some techniques to use:
- Tell the person you can agree to their request this time, but ask how the two of you might plan better for the next time.
- Tell them yes, but remind them they owe you one. For example, they might cover you for a shift next time you need time off.
- Tell them yes, but take control by saying you'll come back to them with a timetable. For instance, say, "I expect I'll be able to do that for you by the end of the week."
- Put a tough condition on your agreement. "If it would only take an hour, I'd be able to help, but I can't give you more than that."
Saying "No" to unfair requests and demands
- Be sure where you stand first, i.e., whether you want to say yes or no. If you're not sure, say you need time to think it over and let the person know when you will have an answer.
- Ask for clarification if you don't fully understand what is requested of you.
- Be as brief as possible, i.e., give a legitimate reason for your refusal, but avoid long elaborate explanations and justifications. Such excuses may be used by the other person to argue you out of your "no."
- Actually use the word "no" when declining. "No" has more power and is less ambiguous than, "Well, I just don't think so..."
- Make sure your nonverbal gestures mirror your verbal messages. Shake your head when saying "no." Often people unknowingly nod their heads and smile when they are attempting to decline or refuse.
- Use the words "I won't" or "I've decided not to" rather than "I can't" or "I shouldn't". This emphasizes that you have made a choice.
- You may have to decline several times before the person "hears" you. It is not necessary to come up with a new explanation each time, just repeat your "no" and your original reason for declining.
- If the person persists even after you have repeated your "no" several times, use silence (easier on the phone), or change the topic of conversation. You have the right to end the conversation.
- You may want to acknowledge any feelings another has about your refusal, "I know this will be a disappointment to you, but I won't be able to..." However, you don't need to say "I'm sorry" in most situations to apologize for your refusal. Saying "I'm sorry" tends to compromise your basic right to say "no."
- Avoid feeling guilty. It is not up to you to solve others' problems or make them happy.
- If you do not want to agree to the person's original request, but still desire to help her or him out, offer a compromise: "I will not be able to baby-sit the whole afternoon, but I can sit for two hours."
- You can change your mind and say "no" to a request you originally said "yes" to. All the above applies to your change of mind.
How to say no to your kids
Saying “No” to your child is never easy. “All the other kids are doing it, why can’t I?” they lament. How can you set the boundary for “No means no” without being the “bad guy”? When saying no to your children, keep in mind that an explanation is always necessary, and your answer should be consistent with your other behaviors.
-For teenagers
When your teenager asks why they can’t go to the party, tell them the truth. “I know when I was your age, I went to a party where there was a lot of drinking, and I told my parents there was no alcohol there.” Experience shows your kids that you DO understand, as long as you let them know about the consequences. “I came home drunk and threw up all night, and it really wasn’t worth it.”
-For younger kids
Make sure your explanation is within the realm of their understanding. Pre-schoolers typically don’t have logic skills yet, so an answer of “because you might get hurt” will suffice until they are old enough to understand.
-For older kids
Always listen to their side of the disagreement. Listening means keeping eye contact, sitting close, giving positive facial expressions, and keeping quiet while your child says what they need to say. Let them know why you are saying “no” and what they may be able to do to get a “yes” from you next time, or at what age you feel their request is appropriate, and why. You may be surprised at your children's insight and maturity. Treating them with respect teaches them respect.
To make sure you are not seen as simply the “bad guy”, make sure your relationship is open and make yourself available. Few families nowadays spend actual time with their children, which cause a lot of teenage angst and rebellion! Encourage your children by spending quantity and quality time with them. Encourage them not to take themselves so seriously. Lighten up. Have family fun, laugh, tease, and act silly. By being both their friend and their parent, you can set healthy boundaries with your children and they’ll feel that your relationship is based on trust and honesty, not “yes” and “no’s”.
How to say "No" to clients ... and other people in your life
We've compiled a list of potential scenarios and some well- worded responses that you might want to try. Some of these might sound obvious, but you'd be surprised at how many notes and letters we get from women who are constantly dealing with these situations.
Scenario 1: A new client offers you a ridiculously low fee for your services.
It's OK to be choosy about the jobs you take on, especially after you've established a good reputation. Instead of accepting every project that comes along, carefully weigh the time it will take you to do the job against what you'll be paid. If the fee you're offered ends up being too little to be worth your while, you might want to use the following response:
Response: "That's way below my usual rate. We'd need to negotiate a higher fee before I would consider accepting the job."
Scenario 2: Your best client asks you to do a job, but you're just too busy to take it on.
As a general rule, you don't want to disappoint a good, loyal client. If you feel like you can't give 100% to the job, it's best to be honest because you would never want to deliver substandard work.
Response: "I wish I could help you out this time, but my schedule is so crowded, I can't take anything else on. If you'd like, I can refer you to a terrific colleague who might be available."
Scenario 3: A client wants to meet in your home office, and you'd rather not conduct business with children and toys underfoot.
It's important to present a polished professional image. Unless you're absolutely sure that a client won't mind a very casual home office environment, a neutral meeting spot might be the best way to go.
Response: "My office is quite small, and it isn't very comfortable for meetings. But I do know a quiet coffee bar or restaurant nearby where we can meet."
Scenario 4: Your best friend drops by for a coffee break during your work time.
As a work-from-home mom, you have to be very protective of your limited work time and not be sidetracked by distractions -- especially if a deadline looms or your kids are at school or the babysitter's. It's of critical importance that you make it clear to friends, neighbors and relatives know you have a "real" job, even though your office is in the house.
Response: "Today's a workday for me, and I must get back to my computer to finish up a project. Let's talk tonight on the phone and arrange a better time to have coffee."
Scenario 5: Your significant other asks you to do personal errands on your work time.
Sometimes your spouse is the hardest one to convince that your home business requires your full attention during your work time even though you often don't even have 5 minutes to take a shower, much less run errands!
Response: "Honey, I really get thrown off my work schedule if have to leave my desk during the day. Would you be able to take care of it on your way home? If not, I can do it the day after tomorrow?" It also helps to write down your daily "office hours" at the beginning of each week so your mate knows when not to infringe on your time.
Scenario 6: Your child's teacher asks you to bake dozens of cookies for the nursery school bake sale one day ahead of the event.
You shouldn't be sucked into volunteer for every event that comes up in your child's school career just because you work from home and are more "available." And it's often necessary to gently "teach" the teachers to respect your work schedule, so they won't expect you to drop everything on short notice.
Response: "I really love to bake, but I have some tight deadlines for work this week. Please count me in for the next sale or party the school is having, and let me know the date as far in advance as possible." One last tip: try to stay friendly, calm and confident when these situations arise -- it makes your response clearer and more powerful.
The Bottom Line
Improve your efficiency saying “No”. You can remove anxiety, distress, high blood pressure and hyper tension saying just one word “No” to those work that you don’t want to do. |
